Sock tans

Modified Wasatch

Wasatch extended

Found out that two of my uncles will be running the St. George marathon too!

Wasatch loop

I've decided to stay in Salt Lake for the next semester so that I can continue to work on my health. I'll continue working full-time mostly to pay off my medical bills so that I'm not in so much debt. I will re-evaluate as it gets closer to January and decide if I will start school back up then or if I'll take a full year off.

This has been a hard decision to make, but I hope it's finally the right one.

As an update: For any who don't know, I was hospitalized in March for severe suicidal ideation. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and had been experiencing a mixed episode of hypomania and depression- which meant a combination of suicidal ideation and impulsivity. To be honest, it's really lucky I didn't attempt. I came close to it 3 times, wrote a suicide note, had been self-harming, and didn't want any professional help even though I knew not receiving any was a death sentence.

My boyfriend called my parents because he was scared I was going to attempt that very night. They drove up to Rexburg without me knowing and that night moved me out of my apartment and took me to UNI in Salt Lake.

We broke up a week later- particularly difficult because he'd all but proposed- I had tried on the ring and it wasn't a matter of if but when

Oh, and the COVID-19 chaos. That's been fun.

It really has taken all of me to fight for a reason to live.

So, what they don't tell you about depression and suicidal ideation is it doesn't just "go away." The hospital is only the beginning of recovery. And there's always the very real possibility that you could slip back. This year is a prime example of that for me (I was also hospitalized last year around the same time for the same reasons).

Much of it is finding the right medication. I've been adjusting medications ever since I've been out of the hospital, hoping to find that sweet spot. I added another one just barely, in fact, because I'm still alternating between hypomania and depression. Right now I'm in a depressive episode. A couple weeks ago it was hypomania, during which I impulsively signed a contract that I'm now trying to get out of. Just one of the downfalls of being bipolar- I'm still trying to learn how and when to hold myself back from impulsive decisions. It's very hard to do when you're manic.

I took a screening last week with my therapist, which said that I was moderately depressed. So definite improvement from a few months ago, but not quite to where we want it.

I've been working through a trauma from circa 2015 with my therapist, which may have triggered the switch from hypomania to depression. She told me that traumas can cause suicidal ideation on their own, not just mental illnesses, and she believes I've been carrying it around all these years. The trauma therapy seems to be helping. I've thought about sharing what happened, but 1) I don't think people care and 2) sharing it seems frightening because it's pretty damaging information for those who know the person.

Anyways, long (kinda heavy) explanation for an update, but things are looking up.

Foothill to Wasatch out and back. Didn't feel stellar, right off the bat my legs were heavy but I convinced myself I'd feel better a couple miles in. That was kind of true, 5 miles in I felt decent. 6 miles in I was suuuper hungry and thought maybe I should've eaten something more sustainable than toast before I left. 12 miles and boy it was getting hard. My legs felt like weights. The last 4 miles hurt and at that point it was just trying to finish, but also get home before 8 am because I had an appointment. I finished 10 miles before the sun even rose :)

My pace was much slower than last week, but I'm still happy with it. I averaged 8:32. This is the longest run I've ever done all at once. Hopefully next week's long run will feel a lot better.

Half marathon split: 1:52:08

Rest (it was unintentional, just procrastinated running until after work then after work I was exhausted and dreading it so I just didn't go running)

Wasatch. Wishing I'd have gone farther, I was short on time.

2 miles warmup, stretches and 3 strides. 8x 400m with 200m recovery, which meant switching start lines. The wind was quite strong, so it shifted whether I'd start out or end against the wind. It was also 93 degrees. Better than in the 100s, my first thought when I got off work was huh, it's not unbearably hot.

My goal was to hit them at 90 seconds. I wanted to be realistic with my goal. I'm not in the same shape I was in while I was running for SUU, so I didn't want to get disheartened by hoping to hit 82s like I used to be able to tick off like nothing and then really struggle to do so, probably not even being able to. 90s felt reasonable, like that was my new "tick off like nothing" pace. I was even apprehensive about that being the case to be perfectly honest.

I was pleasantly surprised with what I ended up running. 85, 87, 84, 87, 86, 86, 86, 83. Averages out to 85.5.

I know that I'm training for a marathon and speed doesn't really matter. I don't really know why I chose 400s, I don't think they'll help much training wise. I just wanted to do them haha.

I really need to come up with some sort of training plan to follow. It's a lot harder to train by yourself than it is with a group of other people.

2 miles cool down

AM: VA loop- 4 miles.

PM: Wasatch loop. 1.6 miles into it I decided randomly to turn it into a tempo type run. 2x1 mile tempo, goal was under 7:00 for each. It was not flat- the first one had a decently sized hill. The second had a couple small ones. But I was happy with what I hit- 6:58, 6:49. With a quarter mile jog in between.

My cousin's person of interest (can't call him boyfriend now that he's a missionary lol) was temporarily reassigned to MY MISSION (a blessing from COVID-19). Apparently that's where he's said he'd go long before he put his papers in. My mind is blown right now, and also, I miss my mission. Right now he's in Kansas City, if he ever makes it to the areas I served in I might cry with happiness. Crazy too because I was literally just talking to him middle of June telling him about my mission and now he's there like what

So... the 2020 St. George marathon was cancelled today :( I was so excited for it. Can't say I didn't half expect it to happen, but all the same I'm disappointed.

Which brings me to... what now? I've enjoyed starting to train for something again. I have missed the excitement of running faster or farther than I have in a long time. I created a tentative training plan yesterday for the next 8 weeks and I was excited to go for it. I was going to increase weekly mileage, keep the long run around 18 miles for a minute, then increase it to 20, 21 or 22 at my peak (while also hitting my peak weekly mileage for the training block). My max was going to be 75 miles a week, something I haven't done since high school.

Maybe I'll still go for it. Maybe I'll just do a solo marathon when I've gotten a solid base under me. But idk, I know that's a lot to do alone. Maybe I could arrange it with a couple teammates to come do portions of it with me :) lol

Shriner's run

I might be starting up a new job soon, I have an interview for it today. I have to make the decision to either stop working my current job completely or drop down to part-time, if possible. Which would look like 4 10 hour days at one job, 2 varying hour days at another. If it all works out. We'll see what happens.

Wasatch loop. My legs were a bit heavy

I accepted the job! The nice sir that hired me said that for the first two weeks I'll be sore, that no matter my fitness level I'll be using muscles I don't normally use. I'll be waiting on a background check to come back, but as soon as it does I can do one full day of training and then officially start after that.

This is a $3.5/hr higher paying job than the one I currently have with the possibility for bonuses- including a $50 call-in bonus if I come in on my day off, and it's one I'm more qualified for. It is a job that seems well suited to me. I'm excited to start.

Wasatch + VA loop down to 1300 E and took 1300 S back, added along 1700 E a ways to get to 10.

I'm going canyoneering in Escalante and we leave at 3am- so no running for tomorrow. 

Wasatch loop. Tripped at the very end on a bump in the sidewalk I couldn't see because of the dark. Added a good cut to the collection I got over the weekend from canyoneering, lol

Speaking of canyoneering... it was my first time. I have a decent fear of heights but I decided to brave it and go anyways. I was scared much of the time but it really was a lot of fun, and in such a beautiful place. I will say, though, I was terrified when the sun was setting and it was getting hard to see and we were still in the canyon trying to get back up to the desert floor. Rather than following the map like normal, we literally climbed the face of the mountain so we could be up at the top before it was pitch black outside. It didn't do any favors for my fear of heights. At one point Ruthie told me not to look down and like an idiot... I looked down. There was a 200 ft+ drop right below me, and I had to make a very sketchy climb up about 10 meters, which if I didn't have enough traction on the rock I'd slip and fall off that cliff. I prayed "please God don't let me die today" and I'm still here so He really came in clutch this weekend #blessed. Other than that though it was a blast

Today I decided to mix it up. I went over to Sugarhouse park and did a lap, then along 1300 E out and back taking 1700 S back home.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the trauma I endured 5 years ago (I've been working through it in therapy recently, something that probably should've happened a long time ago). Now that I'm working through it in therapy, I naturally want to share what happened and find my voice. But what do you do when sharing such information can damage someone's reputation and, because they are mentally unstable (someone who does what he did must be) and unpredictable, what if it places me in danger? But at the same time, speaking out about it could help protect other young girls. Do I leave it as is and continue on with my life leaving that in the past, or do I speak out for those who haven't yet found their voice, or who think they're alone? I know for a fact I'm not the only girl that has had an incident with him, both of the other girls transferred high schools. I don't think anyone's ever went as far as mine did, though.

The problem is that if I share it publicly, people I know also know him. I'd reckon several on this blog know him, or of him. Do I have an obligation to keep quiet about it because it doesn't just involve my personal experience, but those of others? I have to think about his family, friends, people who care about him. And even him, this information leaked would destroy him. And I don't know if I'm capable of doing that- I've already felt like enough of this was my fault even though I know it's not, but that guilt could follow me around for years.

It has already been reported to DCFS. My therapist was required to report it, so that if something were to happen in the future either with me or another girl, it would be on file and could back up any claims. I also know he was fired from East High a year or so after I graduated, though I don't know why. So really, all action that can be taken has been. Or so I believe, I really don't know. My therapist is convinced I'm not the only one either. She told me Monday that the DCFS worker was shocked by this case. It is pretty crazy if I think of it from an outsiders perspective. And even more crazy that it happened to me, in my neighborhood, in my high school. You hear of it happening to others. But you never expect it to happen to yourself. 

Had an all-day training for my new job today. I'll be going down to part-time with my current job, full-time with my new one. I'm gonna be busy but it pays off the medical bills quicker.

I'm considering transferring to the U of U or UVU. Depending on how finances are looking in January that'll determine when I start. I came to the realization that I only wanted to go back to BYUI so that I could have a second chance to prove what I'm capable of and be back with my friends. I was ignoring the fact that I have a serious illness that requires treatment, and the best treatment for it is here in Salt Lake. There is nothing for it in Idaho. So considering that and the fact that in all reality, I really didn't love BYUI, I'm not going back.

I know it's taking me forever to get through school, but I'm also starting to understand there's no rush. It's only me putting the pressure on myself to finish quicker, and I've had a crap ton of setbacks. I may take the last class I need for an Associate's Spring semester online through SUU, and keep my full-time job. Then next fall potentially (most likely) I will start working towards my bachelors at a University in the valley. That is my plan for right now. 

Foothill out and back

Out and back

Foothill out and back

One of my favorite bands drops their new album on Friday! I'm so excited. They're less well-known but their music has helped me through some tough times. They're called the Score :)

Wasatch loop

I was just informed that mine was not the only incident at East High. While mine revolved around track and cross country, others involved debate and other extra curricular activities, and these others were (I'm told) worse than mine. Coincidence? Or is there something culturally or systemically wrong with East High?

I know I have an opportunity to make a change, and I want to do it. Either through volunteering or bringing awareness to the community. I could potentially take this information to the school board. I just would have to do lots of research so I have enough information, and figure out what I want to have happen because of it. I could start something like the bullying campaign in schools, that is to inform and address the issue. Ultimately I want to educate these young people so they are better able to get out of something and report it before it goes too far. Most people don't even know what grooming is (in reference to abuse). In my case, I didn't know if I should report it or even how to report it.

To inform those who are wondering, I was groomed, sexually harassed, stalked, and gaslit by my high school cross country and track coach. I have heard things from other teammates that suggest he sexually harassed other girls as well. I am thinking about digging deeper and asking more teammates to see if this is more widespread.

I looked back to my blog posts from around the time this happened and find it ironic that through it all, I still looked at him in such a significant positive light. But that's grooming for you. It was actually because of this that I didn't want to report him at all. 

Wasatch loop

What a day. I didn't end up running. I could've, I got off work earlier than expected, but then I ate a late dinner and then didn't feel like going out. But that's okay, I was pretty worn out from work.

This morning before work I met up with one of my high school friends/teammates. She said a lot of things that I thought were worth noting in regards to my high school coach:

-Coaches from other teams noticed and were alarmed by some of the things he was doing (she transferred high schools)

-Her mom was warned against our coach, which solidified their decision to move (ensuring she was no longer in East boundaries).

-Her mom had reported him to the principal on multiple occasions but was always told that unless "something else happens" they wouldn't fire him. I guess because it was such a low-paying position they didn't know who else would take his place, so they kept him despite multiple reports (not just from her mom, but other parents). 

Honestly, it angers me. How much of my own situation could've been avoided if those reports were taken seriously? I couldn't be mad before because I never reported anything, but to find out there were multiple reports and no action taken- do we really have to wait until someone undergoes significant trauma before we can take action? Why not prevent it before it happens? Since when is keeping predators on staff because of the threat of not filling the position more important than the safety of children?

Here's where I usually say "but it's okay," but this time, it's really not.

I've done a lot of thinking. I do want to share what happened 5 years ago. Running the risk that people won't believe me, I'm going to tell my truth. Everything I say is the truth.

I was groomed, sexually harassed, manipulated, gaslit and stalked by my high school coach.

I was 14 when I met him, which is likely when the grooming started. It is for that reason my therapist says this was considered child abuse and needed to be reported to DCFS. She also said it is probable that he groomed other children, as most of the time that is the case.

For me, the grooming was rather intense. I was brought between him and his wife, stalked, and not so subtly pushed towards being in a relationship with him. When it was clear I was never going to be interested, he made me promise that we would stay "forever friends," which he reminded me of and asked for reassurance about almost everyday thereafter, all the while trying to convince me that age gaps in relationships don't matter "if you really love each other." To put it into perspective, he was in his 50s.

He once asked me what my biological name used to be (I was adopted), then before I could tell him, he blurted it out. He then told me not to tell my parents.

He had another job and during one summer (the summer before I left for college) he was working on a neighbor's house. He would sit outside in his car, wait for me to get home from work as witnessed by my dad, sometimes confront me and sometimes only watch me. That summer I never felt safe walking out onto my front porch.

The stalking continued even into my freshman year of college. He once followed me out to a meet in Minnesota (I'd gone with my college team), with the excuse that one of my high school teammates needed more competition- but we'd never travelled east for high school meets before. He was also wearing an SUU shirt when he surprised me with his presence, saying it was his "lucky race day shirt" because my high school teammate had won every race he wore the shirt at (which had been all of them that season up to that point). He literally could've cared less about SUU until I signed with them. There were many more inappropriate instances. The only reason I put up with what was going on was because I was convinced I needed him in order to be a fast runner.

I was never sexually assaulted, though I most certainly was scared that he'd take it too far one day. I would take measures to ensure I was never alone with him, and yet he always seemed to find his way around them.

When I started skipping out on practices, he used strong manipulation to guilt me into coming back. He would emotionally abuse me at practice by calling out my efforts to distance myself from him in front of other teammates. He also said many jokes that were of a sexual nature.

He would often give us rides to and from practice, which was against a rule at the high school. He said that he was okay doing it because his son was on the team and he would act as a parent at those points. Except he kept giving us rides after his son had graduated. This is what led to many instances of me being alone with him in a car (I didn't get my license until I was 18- I was a late bloomer lol). It was during one of these that he touched me- first on the back of the neck, next on my thigh, and I was genuinely terrified that he might attempt a sexual assault. Thankfully, he didn't.

My therapist said that he raped me in all senses except for physical. It is termed emotional rape. Sexual rape was the only step left in the grooming process.

The effects of the abuse have lingered even into today. I still find myself worrying about what he's going to do if he finds out I spoke out against him. It was very much a pattern that he'd find some way to explain any of his bad behavior to others and I'd be left questioning myself, defeated. I don't want this to go that way so I'm going to try really, really hard to stand my ground and keep on telling my story. While I don't want to cause harm to anyone including him, I do feel as though not talking about it could allow him to get away with what he did and continue to do it to other unsuspecting girls. 

There is much more to the story, so many more details. But for the purposes of this blog, I've tried to keep it short and to the point. 

Wasatch extended

Lots to say today:

1) The Score's new album is AMAZING (one of my coworkers is also a fan of this band, not many people know about them unfortunately but I saw them in concert in 2017 and I showed him the picture I had with them today and it was hilarious cause he was dying. Tbh they're one of my favorite bands and I'm so glad I found them while they're not as famous, they have the potential to be big one day and are getting big slowly but surely. Their music is in a lot of trailers. I FOUND THEM FIRST lol

2) I finally have a neurology appointment set for Wednesday... it was a surprise when they called because I'd literally just been thinking when are they going to start seeing people, and when will I get in? I've been on the waitlist since February. It's a virtual appointment so I'm guessing this is just a describe what's been going on kind of an appointment then if needed a second appointment will get set up for me to come in person. When I think about it too seriously I get really nervous, because what if I have a major disease? I do want answers, but at the same time... I already have a tough diagnosis of bipolar II disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and major depressive disorder. Can I handle another one? But let's be honest it's probably just my fetal alcohol syndrome. In any case it'll be good to get checked out and know once and for all.

3) Saturday marks 5 months out of the hospital. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. It feels like 2. But it's cool to look back at the progress I've made since then. These past 6 months have been some of the hardest months of my life- coming back from wanting to die every day is no easy task. But I'm proud of where I am now, which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't decided to try to get better. I could've been my stubborn self and done everything in my power to die and I'm sure I would've succeeded, but I decided to take the harder route and live. And I think that's something I should be proud of, because now I get to live and have experiences I would've missed out on if I'd decided to pass on.