7:47 average. Didn’t feel great but it was nice to be back in Cedar
Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive and relax when so much rides on being fast. My scholarship is most likely going to be lowered or cut after this year because I’m not fast enough. I understand why, they have to secure recruits and build up the program, but sometimes when I’m really sad I wonder if it’s even worth staying if it does get lowered or cut. Which it seems like it will. I love it here so much, I want to keep running and working towards my dreams, I want to improve off of my high school times but if coach is just letting me stay because he’s kind and wants to give everyone an opportunity but doesn’t really believe I’ll amount to anything, then why stay? He’s been telling me for over a year to look at my options, see if this is really what I want to do. It has been. That’s why I’ve stuck around for 2.5 years, even when it’s hard. It still is what I want to do. It’s still the best option for me. I think.
But doubt always creeps back in when I remember coach continually telling me I can’t travel if I’m not on pace, my scholarship will most likely be cut, that I have to keep up with the other group if I want to travel but how am I going to do that if I’m not even given the chance to train with them? Sometimes I just wish the stress would go away. If I could just relax and have fun while I’m here, I wouldn’t have an issue. I’m just tired of stressing about being good enough for coach. I’m tired of trying to prove that I’m worth something. I’m tired of trying to save my scholarship. I’m tired of watching all my friends quit and move on to other things and being the lone wolf in this group that doesn’t measure up. And I’m tired of always wishing for something I don’t have, like being a top runner that doesn’t have to worry about those things.
I don’t know how to fix it, or even if I can. I guess all I can do is be grateful for what I do have let whatever happens, happen. Try not to let it worry me so much and just push through, endure, do what I can.