I guess I’m in the 800 group... sigh. More on that later.
Workout was 3x1k with 90 seconds rest and 3x400 with 30 seconds rest. It was just me and Jacey. I’d planned out to go for 3:35 for the first one and try to hold it for all 3 because in my last meeting with Coach he said I needed to be able to hold that pace, but right before we started he said several times that he wanted us to start at 3:50 and work down, that it was much better that way than dying as the workout progressed. I was confused, because I feel like I should be trying to hold and learn the pace? But okay. I’ll do what coach wants.
Started with a 3:46, it felt way too relaxed and slow. I was antsy. But it was nice to stay together with Jacey. Next one I went ham. I thought well, I did what coach wanted! Now it’s time to push myself, or I’ll never get faster. Ended up with a 3:32. I was pumped, it was on my goal pace (and coach said the range was 3:35-3:50 I think) and it didn’t feel too bad! But I got anxious after because my muscles tightened up on the recovery and I didn’t feel relaxed anymore. Tried relaxing and just running smooth. Ended with 3:42.
Next were the 400s. After the third 1000, to be honest I didn’t know how to handle the pain. I’m not used to going fast. And I’ve been so stressed out lately. Wanted to drop out. But forced myself to run the 400s. First was just me trying to finish. 98. Next one I was able to push myself a little, at the 200 I saw how slow it was and started getting overwhelmed. Finished with 92. Then couldn’t breathe. I was wheezing. Don’t know if it was asthma from the cold or just anxiety combined with an intense workout. So I didn’t do the last one.
Cooled down a mile with Jacey then 4 more with Sharlie (Angie was there too for the first half mile). 9 total for the day.
Frustrated because I never feel like I’m good enough for coach. I’m trying so hard and I just want to be able to run with the group and not feel like I’m sub par. Coach and Paul both seemed happy with my 3:32 1k, at least I know I can run the pace I just have to work on holding it and pushing through the pain.
When I asked coach if I was supposed to be in the 800 group (he’d told me in our meeting a few weeks ago I’d be doing the 5k so I assumed that meant 5k group) he said this 800 group is for those that he is trying to develop, plus the 800 runners, because he wants to keep the other group together. And obviously I’m not an 800 runner. I’m just sad and frustrated because it feels like I’m never going to be good enough for coach. I’ve been trying for 2.5 years of running here to be good enough. And I just feel like I’m so slow and I’m fighting it and trying to become confident because I’ve always struggled with self-esteem since before I can remember. But I know that when I do have confidence in myself, that’s when I’ve had amazing races and great workouts, and to be honest that’s when I’ve been able to excel at anything I set my mind to not just running. But I am improving and I’ve had some promising workouts, and I’ve had some major setbacks due to injury and time off for my mission so I’m pushing through and eventually, hopefully, I’ll finally have a breakthrough.
It was good to talk to Jacey. She reminded me that Morgan is the exception for women who return from missions, and me, too. That every other RM has quit or just not come back, none seeing really any success. Morgan’s killing it and well, at least I’m still here.
It was also good to talk to Sharlie. She said that for 3 years she hadn’t improved either, she struggled and worked hard. Thinned out and managed nutrition better but nothing major changed, then one day she ran a 4:20 1500 and it didn’t feel that difficult and she’s been fast ever since. I’m gonna hold out the hope that it’ll happen for me, too. I’ve thinned out too, I’m eating a lot better than my freshman year, and I’m working as hard as I can. One day it’ll pay off. Hopefully. And if not, at least I’ll know I gave it my all and I’ll be grateful for the opportunity I had to run in college.
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