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March 28, 2024

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Location:

Millcreek,UT,

Member Since:

Jun 21, 2011

Gender:

Female

Goal Type:

Other

Running Accomplishments:

800m- 2:23

1600m- 5:10

1 Mile- 5:12

3200m-11:03

XC 3 mile-17:55

XC 5k- 19:00

XC 6k- 22:25

Local 5k- 18:42

Local 10k- 41:31

Local 15k- 1:03:55

Unofficial Half (2020)- 1:45:46

Official Half (2021)- 1:49:28

60% (5 miles)- 32:32 (6:30 average)

80% (3 miles)- 18:52 (6:17 average)

16x400s- 82.0 average

20x400s- 82.6 average

SUU Road Race- 23:30 (3.9 miles/6:02 average)

Short-Term Running Goals:

Get up to 45-50 miles/week

Run a sub-19:30 5k again

Train for and race a half marathon

Long-Term Running Goals:

18:45 or under 5k

Run a marathon

Personal:

26 years old, not married, no kids. Going against the norm in Utah.

Mental health advocate, LGBTQ+ rights supporter. Newly identified bisexual woman. Ex-mormon

Former college runner for Southern Utah University

Current Employment and Community Engagement Manager at a special needs company called Atlas Advocacy Services.

Favorite Blogs:

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Miles:This week: 0.00 Month: 0.00 Year: 0.00
Adidas Distancestar Spikes Lifetime Miles: 3.00
Adidas Boston 7 Lifetime Miles: 430.33
Nike Pegasus 34 Lifetime Miles: 493.60
Nike Pegasus 34 II Lifetime Miles: 365.31
Nike Pegasus 36 Lifetime Miles: 480.43
Nike Pegasus 36 II Lifetime Miles: 319.00
Nike Pegasus 37 Lifetime Miles: 188.01
New Balance FuelCore Nergize V1 (walking) Lifetime Miles: 219.85
Nike Pegasus Turbo Lifetime Miles: 31.68
Total Distance
4.50

I’m really not doing well. I went to CAPS today instead of going to practice. I’ve lost all hope and I’ve become fixated on suicide, started planning out how I’d do it and thought about writing a note in case I do commit suicide soon. Then I asked myself what I was doing, do I really want to die? No, but I don’t want to live either. Not in this hell. I’m done trying to suffer through and force myself to do things I dread doing, I just want to stop trying. And not feeling anything, no happiness, no sadness, just nothing is literally the worst thing. I only cry when I think about having to push myself to do something I dread doing, or when I try to feel any emotion at all. The thought of suicide makes me feel something. Not happy, not sad. But it calms me down. My thoughts stop racing and I visualize it. So basically, I don’t trust myself anymore. I talked to my friend James last night, he called me randomly and asked if I wanted to go get ice cream. He’s spontaneous like that. I said sure. We went on a drive for like an hour. He said he has been depressed before and understands to some extent what it feels like, but that he doesn’t have depression so not entirely. Out of the blue he asked if I was having suicidal thoughts. I told him yes. I almost lied but I trust him enough. He told me that for what it’s worth he thinks I’m dope, ha. But that if I commit suicide I’ll be surprised to learn, unfortunately from the other side of the veil, that even those that I don’t think care actually do. I know deep down people do care, but I don’t think people should. I’m not worth the trouble, I only bring people down. Anyways, it was when I started thinking about swallowing a bottle of pills in my hand that I decided I probably need help. Before I do something stupid. That was last night. I texted the crisis text line from 10:30pm-12:20am, it was only towards the end that I started to snap out of it. Then this morning I cancelled both my tutoring appointments, a planned lunch with Angie, and decided to go back to sleep instead of going to class. I dreamed about committing suicide. When I woke up I looked at my iron supplement pills (different bottle), the label said high fatality risk for accidental overdose, I thought perfect. I can overdose on these. It’s almost completely full. Then I put the bottle down and went to CAPS. After talking to the crisis counselor, I’ve decided I’m going to stay with Ruthie until I go home on Friday for spring break. She can monitor me. That’ll carry me through at least another week. Idk if a week will make much of a difference, but maybe spending time with my family and Ruthie, people I know care about me, will remind me why life is worth living.

Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Comments
From Burt on Wed, Mar 06, 2019 at 16:48:56 from 70.176.85.97

Oh Sarah. I'm so glad you didn't make that decision. Please do what it takes to get those thoughts out of your mind. I'm glad you saw the crisis counselor. I'll be praying for you, but let me know if there's anything else I can do. I know I barely know you, but I'm here for you.

From RAD on Wed, Mar 06, 2019 at 21:24:48 from 73.20.87.67

Oh sweet, wonderful, beautiful, talented Sarah! I'm not super active on FRB anymore, but I was just wandering around and saw your blog. Mostly because of Burt, but that is for another day...

Please know that I simply want to sweep you up and take you away to a place where we all can understand and keep you safe until you feel better and are armed with the strength you need to fight for one day. Yes, just one day. That is all we can do, ever. I've spent my entire life in the cloud of clinical depression. Running and meds (including diet when I can do it) have saved me more times than I care to admit. The people I've met, mostly from FRB, have become best friends and the conversations and problem solving and commiserating done over the miles have been invaluable.

Your life has purpose, meaning and will NEVER be worthless. No matter how many times your irrational thoughts tell you that. I feel like I'm in a pretty good place in life right now, but due to a HUGE oversight at my job I nearly lost it last week. I decided I was worthless, everything I ever touch turns to shit and I shouldn't be allowed to do anything. Yeah, DAILY. Depression is a daily battle that only those of us in the trenches can understand. It takes everything you've got most days, but I can tell you it is worth it. Every battle, every hole I've had to climb out of and the good still out weighs the bad. The good is so sweet, so pure, so wonderful that occasionally the hard path becomes easy. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hang in there. Hospital, friends, leaders anyone. Reach out. It will get better. Be willing to open up and let others help you. I want to help you and I'm just some crazy running stranger that found my way to your blog.

Hope is never too far away! Feel free to message me anytime.

From megan on Wed, Mar 06, 2019 at 21:38:47 from 207.162.104.122

I haven't been on this website in literal YEARS, this evening I had the strange impulse to visit and this post greeted me. Sarah, I care about you so much, I think about you more than you know. Our morning runs together in high school were some of the most peaceful and calming moments of the entire time. Please know how much you are loved, please do anything and everything you need to stay. I can't communicate how much you are worth. I'm always here for you. Hope spending time with your family does you well.

-Megan R

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