Ran along Foothill, 7:24 average.
I’ve realized I hold myself to really high standards. I think part of me expects everyone else to hold me to that as well, so when I don’t meet them I set myself up for discouragement and feeling like a failure.
I think I need to tone that down a little and cut myself some slack. I need to remind myself that I can’t be perfect in everything. That yes, my standards and expectations for myself are high for a reason but if I fall short of them it’s not the end of the world.
For example, with the progression run I’d held myself to the standard that I had to finish it. Sure, Coach told me that was his standard, but I took it to heart and when I realized I couldn’t reach that goal I faltered. I didn’t think he’d give me any leeway because I wasn’t giving myself that leeway. So even when he said he’d still let me on the team if I didn’t finish it, part of me felt like I didn’t deserve it. I was still holding myself to high expectations.
KNow I think that’s great, if you don’t have high expectations you’ll never achieve anything. But I think I need to learn how to lower them when they’re unrealistic. To cut myself some slack, to know that it’s the drive and motivations inside that count. Not always the physical proof of what I have or haven’t done. It’s not always so black and white.
I went back and watched the progression run (it was videoed and posted on Facebook). It was kind of eye opening. I realized there were girls that fell off before I did, and while I knew that I kind of shrugged it off at the time because I still expected more of myself. Paul’s encouragement sort of registered while I was running it and I used it to try to stay positive, but it didn’t really set in until I watched the video. I guess I never really considered that Paul might be able to see my efforts, too. I was really only concerned about Coach. But Paul has always had my back and even if Coach doesn’t believe in me, Paul does. I always feel like I have to prove myself to coach because he’s the one I report to, the one that decides the logistics of the team. And while he’s patient and motivating and lenient with me, he has a team to run and has to worry about the bigger picture. Also, the last two times I’ve talked with him he’s been surprised to be reminded I still have 3 years left of eligibility. And then he’s a lot more open to believing I still have potential.
With Paul, I’ve never had to convince him of anything. I could tell in the video that he saw I was still fighting even when I hit the wall, he believed in me and can maybe see the potential I do have. And then when I did fall off pace, man it gets me every time. Paul was trying to get me to stay on pace and I let him down. I wish I had worked harder because I did give up after I’d fallen so far back from the pack. I could’ve gritted our another lap or two if I was more focused. But I think this was good, it’s something to learn from and got me back into the more competitive mindset, I’m ready to buckle down and work hard.
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