Sock tans

I'm definitely in a downswing, I'm feeling less and less like running. More and more exhausted/wanting to isolate myself in my free time. But I am really going to try this week to get out running at least 3 times.

Today I worked from 11-7, knocking on doors. Honestly, it sucked. I'm glad I only have 2 weeks left.

Out and back on the JRT. 

Rough day at work. Even rougher email after work, from my boss (like highest up head of the project boss) accusing me of falsification and threatening dismissal. I've already put in my two weeks but dang, I don't want to be fired, especially for something I didn't do. I have a 15 minute phone call this afternoon (Thursday) with her and I honestly don't know what to say. 

All this to say, I didn't go running today.

I have been hypomanic and buying lots of things and one of those was a nice Nike sports bra that came in the mail today so I wanted to try it out. And I love it. No regrets :) I used a Nike gift card I got for my birthday so it's justified haha. The run itself was nice for the first 2 miles then kind of sucked for the rest of it. I've lost fitness.

I'm visiting a friend in Rexburg for the weekend. It's strange to be back. Not sure if I miss it. Honestly, it's a little triggering but it's so good to see Cat again.

Went out towards Walmart and turned at the Jack in the Box. 

I'm going to be starting up equine therapy in two weeks. I was actually recommended equine therapy by my therapist a while ago. Then this opportunity just lined up, I know someone who is working for this company that does equine therapy and she hooked me up. I'm excited. 

Got off work early today so I went running before it got dark. 

I had a discussion with my therapist yesterday that has stuck out in my mind- certain parts of it. We were talking about shoulding on yourself (I should be like ____. Or I should do ___.) and high expectations etc. She asked me to tell her what "perfect Sarah" was like so I started listing off the things I should be doing and am not or the way I should be and am not. She wrote them down and read them back to me, then said well now I don't know if I'd want to be friends with "perfect Sarah." It surprised me. But we determined that if I was "perfect Sarah" I would have no empathy for others, I wouldn't be able to understand trials. And I'd have a lack of understanding for others shortcomings because I'd have none myself.

So things like having bipolar disorder have their advantages. At least I have empathy and understanding.

I was grateful for the challenge to my negative thought patterns. It made me think about how possibly I could be accepted and loved just as I am, not as who I think I have to be. 

Another thing that took me by surprise: I mentioned in that list of things that "perfect Sarah" would be thinner than I am now, and my therapist said "but you're already thin." I guess I'm just super self conscious about having lost muscle since college running and am fearful of gaining a bunch of weight. I don't do anything about it, but that underlying negative body image is there and weighs on me a lot. Which makes me feel that much worse when I struggle to get out for a run everyday. But I'm recognizing that those kinds of thoughts aren't the best thought patterns either and could lead back down the path to anorexia. So I need to figure out a way to be content with my body being the way it is, because it's at a healthy weight and I do recognize that I am relatively thin. It's the perfectionism in me that gets me sometimes. 

I've gotten really busy with work and school. And now added therapy. I could start waking up earlier to go running, and maybe I will. 

I switched my registration for the St. George marathon to the half marathon. It's clear to me that at least right now I'm unable to train properly for a full marathon. But a half feels doable. 

4 easy before dark

I started up an equestrian program today that will run for 7 weeks. It's amazing, I love it. So that and work took up pretty much my whole day. I could've gone running right after I got home from work but I was tired and when presented with the option of a chocolate milkshake or running... it was a hard call but I went for the milkshake lol

Oh boy. I feel out of shape. 

I was reflecting on my run about how I used to be this super dedicated, fit runner and now I'm not. It's like college running just burned me out, because ever since I left SUU I've struggled to keep it up. I would love to be able to get back into running, but sometimes it feels like an impossible task. I'm going to try really hard to run every day this week.